Phile: WINDOZE.TXT Nym: R.A.T.s, Ink. #69 @5900 EliteNet Date: Don't we wish we had one... /------------------------------\ ( The Cynic's Guide to Windoze ) \------------------------------/ "WINDOZE: A system designed to slow down fast CPUs and eliminate all that nasty disk space you'd been ignoring." -- R.A.T., "DEFINE.TXT", 1992 In modern America, we can't be bothered with nonsense like typing a command at the DOS prompt or having to close one application before starting another one. No, we're very inspired by the intuitive thinking behind point-and-drag systems like Apple has been creating since 1984 (despite the stigma that some PC users have about admitting that Macs or //GS's are far superior to PC's in every way except CPU and file access speeds), and thus everybody has been trying to come up with some graphic user interface system so they need never take their hands off their mice. Leading the pack is the juggarnaut from the wunderkind, Microsloth Windoze. (We'll use the popular slang name for legal purposes.) Here is everything you'll need to know about using Windoze -- remember, it was written so non-computer folks could feel omnipotent, so this won't get too technical -- that you won't find in the cross-referenced .HLP files which take up 1/10 of your hard drive. Windoze uses a GUI (pronounced "gooey," like molasses) to put little pictorial representations of programs in organized picture frames on the screen, selectable with an arrow controlled by the mouse. Aren't they all? Windoze allows one to have more than one application open at a time, as in you can switch back and forth between WordPerfect and (when the coast is clear) a GIF viewer, and still get a game of Solitaire in while BADCINDI.GIF slowly redraws. You no longer have to know DOS commands -- all you need to know is how to turn the computer on (a challenge for some), how to move a mouse across your desk, and a friend who has smarts and/or costly software. If for some odd reason your monitor card or screen stop functioning during the setup procedure, you can still install the program by hitting ENTER at regular intervals. You will know to insert a new disk when the computer beeps, and to hit ENTER when the hard drive stops spinning. (The research for this phile was done unintentionally in this manner. There are patches for Windoze to make the PC speaker act like a sound board and to make Windoze work with a CGA monitor [albeit poorly]; work is underway to make "No keyboard on system" an option in Setup.) PURPOSES OF WINDOZE: ==================== - To allow even the simple-minded to think themselves computer literate - To keep secretaries from having to learn difficult tasks, such as how to type "WP" to enter Word Perfect -- or worse. - To boost the sales of mouse manufacturers - To boost the sales of Microsloth Windoze, since most new programs are written to require the presence of Windoze (warning: cyclical redundancy error -- and outrageous marketing ploy) - To give those who understand .PIF vernacular steady employment - To turn a 486 into a 386, a 386 into a 286, and a 286 into a pop-up toaster with a VGA screen - To ease computer-phobia in adults, or until a Fatal System Error balloon's little red stop sign pops up anyway - To make playing Solitaire easier that it has ever been before MATERIALS NEEDED: ================= - IBM-PC ("I make politically correct doody") or a wannabee - VGA monitor, the poor man's movie screen, or better - High density 5.25" drive or 3.5" drive, another marketing ploy - 130 megabyte hard drive C: (for Windoze files only) - 20 megabyte or better hard drive D: (for everything else you own) - A mouse, the cat toy that brinks on the cheesy, or other pointer - MS-DOS (Other operating systems can be used but may result in the message "Nonfatal System Error -- Call Microsloth" on some appli- cations; calling is admitting your infidelity to your cyber-spouse's parents. Software with a built-in gullibility detector!) - 2 megabytes RAM at least - Speed in your CPU, and lots of it; 386 is the bare minimum - Windoze versions of your favorite programs [not included] - Printer optional but finally gives the program a practical use - Modem optional if you're going to get a real terminal program - Sound card and speakers optional if you've got money and/or talent - A library book on basic solitaire strategies PROGMAN APPLICATIONS: ===================== CALCULATOR: An expensive alternative to using your fingers. For the price one pays for their computer and Windoze, one could purchase almost a hundred Casio solar powered credit card calculators. (Ahh, but what would be the fun of that?) CALENDAR: The techno version of looking at the wall. See above for why. CARDFILE: For those too cheap to get a Rolodex but with enough money to buy a 386. Like Calendar, good for filling drive with data files which will never be used again. CHARACTER MAP: Technically known as a "doohickie," a small program to show you what you get if you press a key (even though most keys in the ASCII 32 to 127 range have the character printed right on them). Helpful in discovering that no fonts other than "System" contain the stylized "f" (PC ASCII character 159). CLOCK: Often used to measure how long one has been playing Solitaire, this device is usually left alone or replaced with a better shareware version -- or a wristwatch placed on top of the monitor. DESKTOP: The icon to always click on store demo machines, so that you may see what black text on black borders with a black foreground and black background looks like, but to never ever touch at home. EXIT TO DOS: What you should have done in the first place. FILEMAN: Thought to stand for File Manager, it actually stands for File Mangler. Now you can do through Windoze in minutes what you used to do from DOS in ten seconds flat! Sorta like Norton Utilities with a virus, but prettier -- and free. FONTS: A carrot held before those who aren't content with only Times Roman and Ariel, and is very useful in eliminating the ugly typefaces (as half of the provided ones are). There are two kinds of fonts: the standard bitmapped and the TrueType. This means that some fonts will look bad in certain sizes, while others never get better no matter how big you make them. A cheap, unconvincing form of PostScript. MULTIMEDIA: Like Sound, its purpose is to show you that you can never have too many goodies on your computer, even if you can't get them to function properly together. NOTEPAD: A handy-dandy tool for reading docs -- as if you ever do. Some of the early R.A.T. philes were written in Notepad, I kid you not. OBJECT PACKAGER: A utility that lets you make better use of the sound card and downloaded .WAVs by letting you use them every time you launch a program. (The things some people will do to convince themselves they didn't waste their money...) PAINT: Something to amuse the kids with, or tweak pixels when you convert your favorite 265 color GIFs to 16 color BMP wallpaper. Either way, it's a great tool to fill what space is left on your hard drive. Old "MacPaint" users will quickly be familiar with this application. PIF EDITOR: So, you think you can write your own Program Information Files? This doohickie will make it easier, since you're going to be editing and editing and editing them hoping to get it right yet. Often the first icon and/or file deleted if one never fools with PIFs and one finds a more useful utility to put on the desktop. PRINTMAN: One of those programs the computer, and not the user, plays with. That is, unless you've botched your print job somehow and need to cancel it, where it becomes Print Un-Mangle. If you don't have a printer, don't fret; the icon is the best part of the program. RECORDER: You made a mistake once? You can do it every time now! SETUP: Windoze's bellybutton, a retractable outie. Something you might never have a need for (if you needed to reconfigure the system, you could run the Install disk) but is fun to fiddle with anyway. SOLITAIRE: The most used application, and the least useful. This is found in the Games group, alongside MINESWEEPER (object: how long can you go without yelling "damn!"?) and/or REVERSI (a sneaky way to encourage people to download freeware DOS versions of Othello). SOUND: Just a reminder that there is life beyond your 3" PC speaker. TERMINAL: A condensed version of the term program found in Microsloth Wurkz, demonstrating that the worth of a modem program attached to a word processor is nil, even when you subtract the word processor. A sneaky way to encourage people to get Qmodem or ProComm, since Microsloth doesn't have a really worthwhile term program yet. WRITE: Notepad again, but uses TrueType fonts. A sneaky way to encourage people to buy a real word processing program, such as Microsloth Wurd or Microsloth Wurkz or even Microsloth Publisher. See, there's a method to this madness! WINDOZE FILE EXTENTIONS: ======================== .BMP: Baby Makes Pictures; the art created with Paint, which can be hung on your computer without the use of pins or magnets. Also, the easiest way of showing off a fractal it took you 18 hours to generate -- or one minute to download from a local bulletin board. .DLL: Deceptively Likely to be Lost -- the one part of a multi-file program that makes the whole thing run, or the place where the icon alone may reside. Take great care not to delete these, just in case. .DOC: Doctored help files, rewritten by someone who tried the program after reading the author's original (inaccurate) notes. Synonymous with .TXT, which should tell you that any schmuck can write documentation. .HLP: Stands for Hey/Lookie/Panic. Those are the reasons one consults a file like this: "Hey, what is this program? Lookie, here are its features! Panic, I don't know what to do and need aid!" These files are used by the "Help for..." screens, and oddly enough there is one for the Windoze assistance screen, titled "Help for Help." .ICN: Also .ICO; an icon is basically a GIF in 32x32x16 format. Art for the computer found in households without children, which isn't hidden by the Program Manager window and collects like refrigerator magnets. .INI: The file which is causing all the problems with your Windoze programs; conversely, what is causing all your Windoze programs to function in the first place. WIN.INI was created by alien creatures, but YOU must tweak it (see CONFIG.SYS for further proof of extraterrestrial life). .PIF: Power I/O Fluid, sort of like power steering fluid in that it makes navigating some programs easier. Do not attempt to create at home. .TXT: The kind of file that is created with Notepad, edited with Write, and ASCII uploaded with Terminal [hint!]; much sound and fury sigifying nothing. Most documentation and R.A.T. philes come in this form. .WAV: Sound files used as justification to (1) buy a sound card and (2) use Windoze -- similar to buying a couple elephants simply because you have hay growing in your backyard for them to eat. +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | R.A.T. is a loosely-organized collaboration of hackers who have set | | out to turn the computer world on its ear. We hold nothing sacred, | | and neither one of us can use Windoze on our computers. Or want to. | | This phile was written by R.A.T. #2 (The Mushroom) and proofed/re- | | searched in CGA by R.A.T. #1 (Chrome). You may distribute this | | freely (as you do everything else) but PLEASE don't remove this here | | credit bar, we beg of you. (This is our Warholian 15 minutes.) The | | next R.A.T. dropping is coming soon. "Look for the R.A.T. label..." | +----------------------------------------------------------------------+