Subj : More taglines to shake a stick at, then use and abuse. Name : R.A.T.s, Ink. [C & C & M] Phile: RATTAG2.TXT date : December 26, 1994 | Another thyme, another place... final: February 16, 1995 | 3:01pm [Oxford] memo : asleep at the switch, AGAIN. /==================================================\ | R.A.T. Taglines [volume two] for all occasions | \==================================================/ We here at Reality Avoidance Therapy Institute, home of the CyberCynics (tm), are enjoying our offline readers (2qwk! and ZeroTermPro). So of course we're still collecting taglines to amuse and bewilder those who read our msgs. Long-time R.A.T. phans (and there actually are some!) will recognise some of these. R.A.T. #2 has been a fan of Jack Handey since his April 1984 "Deep Thoughts" article in _National Lampoon_ so a lot of his work was added (Mush went limp because, hey, free taglines!). For ease of use, we've divided this tagfile into computer, quotes, and general sections, in case you wish to only use a certain genre in your OLR's tagfile. R.A.T. wrote a lot but not all of these, so we don't claim exclusivity (and we love swiping as much as you!). Volume One contained more computer definitions/cynicisms and general wisdom, so if you don't have it seek out file RATTAG.TXT. Once again, enjoy! -------computer-related--------- ADLIB: Puts the sound capabilities of a PC on par with a Commodore. BINARY: 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 CD\: Get to the root of the problem. CD-ROM: CD player with no stereo attached. CHIP: What orphaned Apple users carry on their shoulders. CHIP: A modern form of vacuum tube, far less durable when handled. CMOS: Can't Make Operation Start COPY: Create or destroy, depending upon skill and luck. COPY PROTECTION: A game found on some disks similar to "Breakout." CPU: Computer Punishes User CTRL: You think you can control your computer with this? HA! DAZZLE.EXE: Justification for buying a VGA (or higher) monitor. DIR: Doesn't It Read? DISK DRIVE: Where to stick it. EXIT TO DOS: Windoze icon you should have used in the first place. FILES: The standard medium of exchange, like cookies or candy bars. FTP: File Trashing Program FUNCTION KEYS: Used to keep tiny hands from having to type commands. GUI: Pronounced "gooey," like molasses; make it Mac-like. HACK: Liberate oppressed programs, or at least pretend to do so. KATZ: Patron saint of file compression. LIGHT PEN: The pointing device everyone wants but no one has. LINE NOISE: What most of your phone bill pays for. MENUS: The doc files of BBSs, unused by those who need them most. MONITOR: A glorified television. NETWORK: A way of having a computer crash by remote keyboards. NOTEPAD: A handy for reading docs -- as if you ever do. NYM: A really good handle, acclaimed for its originality. OPTIMIZE: To make your computer unusable for at least 1/2 an hour. PEN & PAPER: The chief way to save wear & tear on your printer. PRODIGY: Sears' way of making money off normally-free conversation. S.JOBS: The NeXT deity; his latest creation may be a "second coming." S.JOBS: The man responsible for making "Wozniak" a household word. SPAM: Fatty posts that prove the net works... sometimes. SPINRITE: Vacuums the rug without asking you to lift your feet. VAPORWARE: A much-needed program or bugfix; see also BLANK DISK. WRITE: Same as Windoze Notepad but with TrueType fonts. WWIV: Like chicken pox, most people get it when they're young. WWW: World Wide Weirdness; FTP with a hangover. It's the CD-ROM package for MSTies, from BITE-MEDIA. Remember when 48K RAM encouraged efficient programming? Remember when 4K RAM encouraged efficient programming? WindozeError:009 Horrible bug. God knows what has happened. The KLUBB Tagline Anti-Theft Device : ACTIVE User error: replace user and press any key to continue. C:\>COPY A:\PERSON.DAT+B:\PERSON.DAT HAPPY.COM; IGNORE GENDER.CNF Use steel wool & direct pressure to reformat a CD-ROM. Would you like a Yes/No prompt? (Y/N) Fingering is the safest form of Internet activity. Always finger strangers to make sure you have their addresses right. TelNet is like a local lame chat door but on a worldwide scale. The new name of this conference is alt.lotsa-bs.plop.plop.plop. IQ not found: R)eboot A)bort Q)uit reading mail Microsoft is not an answer, it's a question. NO is the answer. -----quotes----- Civilization: the distance between Man and his excretia. -B.Aldiss "Sex is dirty only if you're doing it right." -- Woody Allen "Everybody's having fun with knives!" -- Bart Simpson Homer: "D'oh!"/Lisa: "A deer!"/Marge: "A female deer!" "Stupid bug! You go squish now!" -- Homer Simpson "Mmmm, floor pie." -- Homer Simpson "Mmmm, free goo." -- Homer Simpson "Mmmm, hog fat." -- Homer Simpson "Peepee hurt. Time to die." -- Sam Kinison "Who's cooking meatloaf?" -- Larry `Bud` Melman "Hand me the cat's ass." -- Kelsey Grammer (SNL) "Life is the crummiest book I ever read." -- Bad Religion "This place looks like my dog's asshole on fire!" -- J.Cullen "There's no sex in your violence." -- Bush They found a cure for apathy but nobody cares. -- George Carlin Though his mind is not for rent/don't put him down as arrogant... I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. -J.Handey The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. -J.Handey The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part. A kryptonite cross would keep both Dracula and Superman away! When you go for a job interview, ask if they ever press charges. If you ever drop your keys in lava, let 'em go. -J.Handey I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the ass. I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. -J.Handey Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. Wait; not me, you. Mistake: thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is your friend. If life deals you lemons, why not kill someone with them? -J.Handey When scoffing at an old man's folly, also check out his Adam's apple! I hope they never find out lightning has vitamins in it. -J.Handey. If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not mean to the poor, like I am now. Broken promises don't upset me. Why did they believe me? -J.Handey Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually are experts. Vampire children have to be taught not to run with stakes. -J.Handey Consider the daffodil; I'll be looking through your stuff. -J.Handey Isn't a lot of what we call tap-dancing really just nerves? You know what makes good hair for a snowman? Real hair! -J.Handey When in a time machine, don't stick your elbow out the window. It's time we questioned cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy." Anybody with an identity problem had better get with the program! I hope cartoon characters have to answer for their sins. -J.Handey Irrigation's the lifeblood of the SW; lifeblood's the soup of cannibals. Boxing is like ballet, except the dancers hit each other. -J.Handey -----general wisdom----- Brought to you by the letters S and H and the number 2. Loaded drawers beats a full house. Here are your complementary map and flashlight... Grub first, then ethics. If this sucked any more, it'd be a milking machine. Touch my monkey! Touch it before it destroys you! Belch and Puke Barbie, at fine stores everywhere. Flattery is the food of fools. Darn, I'm hungry.... Don't try this at home, kids! Sure, it's clean laundry; the cat's sitting on it, right? Don't ask me/I'm just improvising/my illusion of careless flight Are cats supposed to thump when you dry 'em in the dryer? Stay distracted long enough, and you can forget the pain. An aquarium is just interactive television for cats. Enough of this dog & pony show you call a sex life... After the Apocolypse, there will be a big buffet. Doctors prefer the active ingredient in SEX to plain aspirin. La vie est a la commode. What if there was a sexual revolution and no one came? Seeking Ms. Right but only finding Ms. Right Now. When life throws you sh!t, make sh!t sandwiches. Get treated like royalty; be seen topless in a tabloid. I couldn't be fixed with duct-tape and a hammer. Tell me more about this plucky turtle called Gamera. Have fun but don't get caught. If batting your eyelashes doesn't work, just grab what you want. Yes, I'm a college graduate. Would you like fries with that? You can get a lot of sleep by depriving it of others. The only time I open my mouth is to switch feet. If you can't pay your bills, buy yourself some thrills. Whoops, another reality check came back NSF... Do not urinate on the drumsticks of power. The best part about being me is it's centrally located. If it ain't broken, keep trying. 'Tis better to have loved and lost than to be immolated. I'm only disappointed because I expect. Laughter is the spackle of the soul. Ambrose Bierce Died For Our Sins What if there were no hypothetical questions? Sacred cows make for great hamburgers. I may be big & strong but I can't change the lightbulb in your head. ...stripping the meat from your bones of contention... What do you get when crooked lawyers & politicians mate? Chelsea! EXIST / EXIST / EXIST / EXIT The secret of the universe is #@*$&^&(*@$m3^% NO CARRIER Live as if you'll die tomorrow; think as if you'll never die. Try to use the word "oaf" more often in daily conversation. To err is dysfunctional; to forgive, codependant. Laugh until you hurt. ------endlist------- +--------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | R.A.T. is a loosely-organized collaboration of cybercynics who are still | | stuck behind their terminals, but it's kinda warm back there. The tags | | not swiped from others :) come from philes DEFINE.TXT, WINDOZE.TXT, and | | other works by R.A.T., the writings of Jack Handey, or were created or | | found by R.A.T.s #1 (Chrome), #2 (The Mushroom), and #3 (Chevalier). In | | this file's case, you may edit/butcher per your desires, but distribute | | this freely (as you do everything else) on boards with this here credit | | bar and the header INTACT. (This is our Warholian 15 minutes.) Further | | R.A.T. droppings are slated; do you have the other ten yet? Go get 'em! | +--------------------------------------------------------------------------+