Date: Sun, 31 Dec 95 21:14:07 PDT From: mushroom #2 To: chrome #1 Subject: RaTtAg.TXT /==================================================\ | R.A.T. Taglines [volume one] for all occasions | \==================================================/ We here at Reality Avoidance Therapy Institute, home of the CyberCynics (tm), have discovered the wonderful world of offline readers. With the advent of 2qwk! and ZeroTermPro, we've been collecting taglines to amuse and bewilder those whom are fortunate enough to read our little messages. Long-time R.A.T. phans will recognise some of these from previous releases or online ventures. For ease of use, we've divided this tagfile into computer and general sec- tions, in case you wish to only use a certain genre in your OLR's tagfile. R.A.T. wrote most but not all of these, so we don't claim exclusivity (and we love swiping as much as you!). Volume Two will be along eventually, and shall contain more general purpose "definition"-brand cynicisms. Enjoy! -------computer-related--------- ALT: Key used for accessing characters you don't really need. ANONYMOUS: The most frequent poster of messages on some boards. ANSI: Artistic Nature Seems Inherent; 16 color Etch-A-Sketch. BACKSPACE: The first key to show wear, followed by DELETE. BASIC: Beginners Are Stuck In Computing BASIC: Barely Adequate Simplistic Instruction Code BAUD: How slow a modem goes. BBS: Basically BS -- what many users post on boards. BOARD HOG: Someone with more online time than you, who uses it. BOOT: What you give the computer when it won't start. BULLETIN BOARD SYSTEM: High tech graffiti walls. BUSHNELL: Creator of Heaven and Earth, Atmosphere and Atari. CD-ROM: The most space-efficient place to keep your porno GIFs. CGA: Crummy Graphics Always. Monochrome times four. CHKDSK: Check to see if the disk is still there. CMOS: Computer Must Obliterate Sanity. COBOL: Completely Obsolete Boring Old Language COPY CON: The chief cause of .BAT files and .BAT file errors. COPYRIGHT: To duplicate a disk without errors. CPU: The heart of the machine, which can be torn out. CSHOW.EXE: The popular name for file SEEPORN.EXE. DEL *.* : The most common way to delete one file out of a directory. DOCS: The only reason some people own printers. DOOR GAME: Similar to a door prize, though less rewarding. DOS: Doesn't Operate Steadily. A vast chasm where programs are lost. DOWNLOAD: Ingesting files; feeding your computer. DTJ-BBS: The only BBS program endorsed by the author's mother. EDLIN: The computer world's version of mud-and-stylus writing. EGA: Extinct Graphics Adaptor. A white elephant in 16 colors. FILEMAN.EXE: Windows file name, standing for File Mangler. FORMAT: The easiest way to keep software out of others' hands. FREEWARE: What everything should be. G-PHILES: Text more interesting than a sysop could write alone. GATES: Proof that pirates can become mega-rich heroes. GEnie: Once thought to be magical, now not thought of much at all. GRAPHICS: Pictures that aren't pornographic; rare on some systems. GRASP: What you want to do to the models in this "movie" format. HEX: What programmers put on software. IBM-PC: "I make politically correct doody." ICON: A GIF in 32x32x16 format. LOGON: Make yourself eligible to receive criticism from a sysop. MATH COPROCESSOR: Part of the computer bragged about but seldom used. McAFFEE: Patron saint of paranoid computer users. MD: Create a new place to lose files. MICROCHIP: The stuff in the bottom of the snack-food bag. MODEM: The root of all evil. MONOCHROME: Couldn't afford color. MOUSE: A cat-toy which brinks on the cheesy. MOUSE-DRIVEN: Runs at the speed of a hamster on an exercise wheel. NORTON: Patron saint of oddly-named utility programs. ONLINE: Computerese for "The damn board finally answered!" OS/2: Oh S***, Squared. PAGE: Beep the speaker at the sysop to see if he's at home. PRINTSHOP: A program used to waste paper in massive quantities. PRODIGY: Actually an illigitimate son. PIRATE: What your enemies call your best friend. RAM: Rarely Accessable Memory RBBS: Ridiculous BBS. RD: A command often used to find out if a directory is empty yet. RIP graphics: The name says it all. ROM: Running Outta Memory SCULLEY: The angel Lucifer's corporate cousin and Pepsi drinker. SETUP: Windoze's bellybutton, a retractable outie. SHAREWARE: What we do with our files anyway. SHELL: A way to get to DOS when you really shouldn't be there. SOFTWARE: Pablum for our little babies. SOLITAIRE: Most used Windoze application, and the least useful. SYSOP: The person in whose hands you place your life. SYSOP: The provider of both viruses and virus scanners. 386: Computerese for "still not fast enough!" 286: What your 386 becomes when it runs Windoze. THEDRAW: A form of color Etch-A-Sketch. TRACKBALL: A heavier, harder type of tetherball. TRADEWARS 2002: Some people's only reason to own a modem or to live. TREE: Something shaken to see what files will fall out. TYPE: DOS function to read docs. Used only in emergencies. UPLOAD: Taking out the garbage to get more online time. VIRUS: The computer world's version of natural selection. VIRUSWARE: An olive branch given to our enemies, anonymously. VGA: The poor man's movie screen. WORDSTAR: A complicated method of avoiding writing letters in EDLIN. WYSIWYG: "What You See Isn't What You Get" .ARC: What the .ZOO animals travelled in. .ARJ: One letter different than .ARC; this should tell you something. .BAT: Battered files; a text file with a higher calling. .BMP: Baby Makes Pictures, to be hung up without fridge magnets. .COM: Compost -- a.k.a. fecal matter. .DLL: Deceptively Likely to be Lost .DOC: Very useful help files, quickly and easily deleted. .EXE: Executable, or at least you'd like to kill them. .GIF: Gee, It's Free -- the easiest method for porn distribution. .GL: Geez, Louise! See GRASP (and watch it and watch it...) How to avoid viruses: make sure your machine is an Apple //e. If all else fails, pray to McAffee. 8" disks mean that you really need a new computer. Getting a lot of junkmail? Cancel your subscription to Prodigy. I've made "No keyboard on system" an option in Windoze Setup. Purpose of Windoze: To boost the sales of mouse manufacturers. Uploading FORMAT.COM for credit is a no-no. Multitask. Trust everyone but use the virus scanner anyway. Hard cookies and warm soda are good for you. Get some sleep every afternoon. Everything you need to know is online somewhere. Purpose of Windoze: To give jobs to folks who understand .PIF code. Turn your 286 into a VGA pop-up toaster with Windoze! Purpose of Windoze: To make playing Solitaire easier than ever. "Egads! Who would ever want a FULL 64k?" - Steve Jobs 2573 new messages a day and they call it QWK? Unregistered Evaluation Copy Save a tree -- leave more E-mail. Read a R.A.T.phile today! Backwaters of the Mind -- (509) 453-9650 If you can't make it good, make it big. Windoze. If Macintosh is a woman, Windoze is a transvestite. Cannot find BOMB.ICON: crash anyway? (Y/N/R) A)bort R)etry P)retend this never happened A tech's work is never done. Out of memory error: delete directory \WINDOWS? (Y/N) Hit ALT-H to view next message. I'm another roadkill on the Information Superhighway. Stranded at the Shell station on the Info Superhighway. The computing field is always in need of new cliches. ------general------- Realize the joy of irony. If you feel that your sanity is fraying, that's progress! Slack(tm) cannot be packaged. Take credit when people don't know someone beat you to it. Watch TV with the volume off and the stereo on. Any place that offers free samples: Take some. Doesn't matter what. Offer candy to children's mothers. See how many innuendos you can make while ordering a pizza. Help scouts across the street. Palmela & Wristina can be your friends. The older you are, the more fun a snowball fight can be. Speak a dead language, like Latin or COBOL, in casual conversation. Wear nasty socks while trying on dozens of pairs of shoes. A good pun is its own reword. He's got the job, he HAS to be qualified. Walk or bike to drive-up bank-tellers & fast-food windows. Push a shopping cart to your bike when at the market. Push a shopping cart through the carwash or the cars at the bank. Say something cryptic and leave snickering. I have a rapier wit; I've just been using it as a broadsword. Where's my thing? Brevity is the state of your art. Cogito ergo sum; ergo dum vivimus vivamus. Stay distracted long enough and you can forget the pain. Laugh at reality. It can't understand this, as the joke is on us. Scream every once in a while so people don't HAVE to wonder. [#'M R##LY ST#P#D] - "I'd like to buy an `O`, Pat!" I'm not cynical -- I'm just experienced. The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, but much heavier. It's always darkest just before you step on the cat. Blood is thicker than water -- and much tastier! If everything seems to go right, check your zipper. Advice: Never make toast while you're on the modem. Whoops, confused the Preparation H with Crest again... TOON-TANG: Wanting to have sex with a cartoon character. Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. Pro is to con what progress is to Congress. "Cartoon weeds go away faster than real ones." - TV ad What ever happened to my sense of proportion? Where does "sentence diagramming skill" fit on a resume? Evangelists do more than laypeople, sometimes. Hefty Bags makes a bra that's tough enough to overstuff. Up with dresses! Down with pants! Sam Kinison's last words: "AHHH AHHHHHH!" Tonight's mud wrestling event: MENSA vs. Hee-Haw Bitter sarcasm, the second-best medicine. "Dishonesty is the second-best policy." - George Carlin May your rainbows have blunt, rounded edges. How many fools does it take to make up a public? Spandex is a priviledge, not a right. Always take the time to evolve. "It's all bullsh*t!" - Marlon Brando "Nothing in moderation." - Ernie Kovacs' epitaph "Dead Formicidae tell no tales." - Ernie Kovacs, `Zoomar` "Pizza is life. It is all around us." - radio ad "Be nice to unattractive people." - Robert Agnew "You go online, you get techno-weenievision." - J.Harris [[[ BARNEY IS THE ANTI-ROGERS ]]] This man is wearing a push-up bra. NOW he's pleasing. You tried to make my head explode, you freaked-out maniac! Red meat IS good for you! Now, as for fuzzy green meat... The cosmic is largely comic Get back to me when you hit 'manic' again. 5 billion years the earth takes to form, and we get THIS?!?!? Nothing is lonelier than the scaffold. The best defense against logic is stupidity. Lawyer: Larval form of politcian. Find someone to elevate you from yourself once in a while. Athiest: A person with no invisible means of support. ...learning that we're only immortal for a limited time... Never try to out-stubborn a cat. You find out who your friends are after that first nervous breakdown. Prozac warning label: :-) It's really too bad that you can't reboot organic systems. Spare your words for the living; the dead no longer need them. Life sucks! Get a bib! Always searching for someone with whom, however briefly, to forget. Back off on the coffee when you can't even hold the cup anymore. B.S. is in the scrollback buffer of the beholder. "Despise, don't hate." -- Sarajevo Survival Guide ------endlist------- +------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | R.A.T. is a loosely-organized collaboration of cybercynics who've been | | stuck behind their terminals too long, but it's safer there. The tags | | not swiped from others :) come from philes DEFINE.TXT, WINDOZE.TXT, | | ALLIKNOW.TXT, RAT.TXT, etc. by R.A.T., or were created/found by them: | | R.A.T.s #1 (Chrome), #2 (The Mushroom), and newby #4 (FastJack). In | | this case, you may edit/butcher per your desires, but distribute this | | phile freely (as you do everything else) on boards with this credit | | bar here and the header INTACT. (This is our Warholian 15 minutes.) | | The next R.A.T. dropping comes soon. Do you have the previous 9 yet? | +------------------------------------------------------------------------+