Phile : RAT.TXT Nym : R.A.T.s, Ink #69 @5900 Date : Sat November 6, 1993 5:03pm Reality Avoidance Therapy for The Novice INTRODUCTION ------------ Life ain't a pretty place to be; in fact, no one gets out alive . One of the biggest problems with the American society is that it takes life much too seriously (as if it were permanent or something!). Since our lives have been anything but charmed, we have found ways to deal with the constant troubles and disappointments, and would like to share them. We may be able to save you a trip to the looney bin (it being far too late for either of us) or the emergency room (in need of a quintuple-bypass after your midlife heart attack). We call it "Reality Avoidance Therapy(tm)." * Rule #1 is: get out of the house and just plain wander downtown! * Sit in a public place where all sorts of people pass, like a metro bus or the city library, and watch human comedies. They are everywhere. * Realize the joy of irony. All around you are examples of "do as I say, not as I do" behavior. Think about what police or politicians get away with that you cannot -- and the rediculous and embarassing situations that accompany this priviledge. More locally, watch parents with child- ren go shopping, especially around the holiday season. * Shout back at the TV when an ad insults your intelligence. Throw back sarcastic comments when idiotic dialog is used in a program. (This method has become an artform in the hands of some folks in Minnesota -- watch "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" for more info.) This sort of augmentation can make even the dumbest sitcoms funny, and justifies the existance of big-hair religious networks and TNN. * The best seats in the mall are against a wall, facing foot traffic. Not only do you get to see human comedies unfold, you also can check out people's rear ends, criticize people's choices of clothes and/or mates, and count the number of pretentious people that go into The Gap. * If you can take the heat, observe (and comment upon) the same behavior in your relatives -- sometimes it is good to know the characters in the unfolding comedy. * Realize that if you feel that your sanity is fraying, that's progress! * Conversely, if everything feels perfect, something is deeply wrong. * Avoid the Church of the SubGenius. Slack(tm) cannot be packaged. * Meander around computer hardware/software stores and pay close attention to the conversations between the sales staff and compu-virgins. This is worth a thousand laughs; how many people who only want a computer to hold down their papers wind up getting SoundBlasters and CDROMs? * Alternatively, that same time can be spent in department store electronics departments making "field upgrades" and tweaking Windoze on display models to better accomidate consumer tastes -- black on black writing with black borders, etc.; amusing statements in the Banner screen- saver (with password protection on using some foreign word); the removal of unwanted system applications such as Desktop and Program Manager. * No matter what the sign says, there is no law which says that you cannot sit at a table near an Orange Julius and eat a Cinnabon (especially when your hearts' desire works nearby, even if she doesn't know it). * Take credit when they don't know someone beat you to it. * Walk around looking skyward, towards BFE, or in the general direction of Mecca as if something extremely important is happening in that direction. See how many people look up. * Conversely, stare at other peoples' zippers (or your own) while conversing with them. See how many people look down. * Re-write the words to popular songs (we enjoy mangling B[l]arney's theme). * Enter into/go along with conversations with sponge-brained people on your local mass-transit. (Trust us, they're easy to find, and often worth it.) * Spike the punch. * Turn down the volume on the TV and crank up the stereo. Some shows make more sense that way (example: Jethro Tull's "Aqualung" over "Who's The Boss?"). If you can record the two together on videotape, do so and share it with anyone who would likewise be amused. * Any place that offers free samples: Take some. Doesn't matter what. * Offer candy to children's mothers. Make sure your pants are ON. * See how many innuendos you can make while ordering a pizza. Keep a straight face. Be offended if the waitperson has a dirty mind; be impressed if they have cherry dessert pizza. * Help scouts across the street. * A tech's work is never done. * Uplifting messages can be found by walking into supermarkets and enjoying the announcements over the PA. (R.A.T. #2's favorite: "Did you leave the store without buying any Extra Strength Pain Reliever?" Hmm, people hearing that wouldn't have left yet...) * The company of friends who haven't a concept about real life also aids in the avoidance of reality. Birds of a feather, you know. * Palmela & Wristina can be your friends. Visit them frequently. * The older you are, the more fun a snowball fight can be. * Read R.A.T. and other funny textphiles. For more fun, e-mail us. * Registration codes can often be found in readable or decipherable format in an .EXE file. Even if it's not there, keep looking. * Learn a dead language, such as Latin or Pascal 77. Speak it in casual conversation. If you've got the mental agility, speak fluent pig-latin (or other rearrangement tongues) as rapidly as you can. * Try on dozens of pairs of shoes at the retail outlet, and find none that fit you quite as well as the ones you walked in with. * Wear nasty socks while doing the above. * Nothing gets attention like bikini briefs under a pair of jeans which has its bottom slightly frayed, except wearing nothing at all but a pair of pink boxer shorts underneath, or giving that appearance. * A good pun is its own reword. * Walk around wearing a personal stereo. Do not turn it on, but wear the earphones on your ears anyway. Feel free to ignore everyone, and see how many people speak louder to get your attention. * Follow the crowd; believe everything you're told. Then chant for change. * Keep a virus-writing manual prominently displayed on your bookshelf or in your backpack, right next to a Bible and a Watchtower Tract. * He's got the job, he HAS to be qualified. * Walk or bike to services which are set up for cars (the tube-machines at the bank, the squawk boxes at fast food restaurants, the full-service islands at gas stations). Or push a shopping cart to your bike when at the market, or through the carwash or line of cars at the bank. * When someone comes up and says hello, point and screech like Donald Sutherland at the end of the 1977 remake of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." Running away with your arms flailing over your head does a lot to intensify the effect this trick creates. * Whenever and wherever possible, take the smug down a notch. Should they be so unwise as to rebut you, say something cryptic and leave snickering. We hope that these suggestions can help you through the stressful and absurd times we live in. If you should happen to get into trouble with the law or your family commits you to the ward: we're not liable for the acts of the simple minded who take heavy-metal lyrics or politicians seriously. +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | R.A.T. is a loosely-organized collaboration of hackers who laugh at | | the rediculous cultural habits of the human species, then point them | | out so the rest of the class gets the joke. Acts portrayed in this | | phile may or may not have happened; that is our secret. You may copy | | this freely (as you do everything else) but please leave this credit | | bar -- this is our Warholian 15 minutes. Look for other fine R.A.T. | | droppings, available on or coming soon to a BBS near you... | +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+