Dear White Trash Weekly Readers: It’s that time of year again. No, I don’t mean time to try and get Aunt Ester to marry. No, it’s not yet time to rid the world of the compost heap. I’m talking about Christmas. The following is the first of a possible several Christmas pieces sent by our readers. The Truth Exposed I think it’s time we exposed the truth about one of the worlds most elusive, powerful, and deceptive men. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I am talking about Santa Claus. Has anyone ever MET Santa Claus? I didn’t think so. Let’s face it ladies and gentlemen, Santa Claus, and the whole Claus family is one of the most powerful, and corrupt families in the world past and present. He has infiltrated our religous practices. The dominance of Santa Claus in the late December holiday season in the United States has forced the name change from Christmas, to X-Mass. This is, of course, to take the glory away from the Christian icon of Jesus Christ, giving him the clear financial advantage. In shopping malls across the country, men dress up in big red suits and long fake beards, promising toys on Christmas day. Santa Claus’ influence has even gone so far as causing parents to lie to their children. Under many American Christmas trees, there is an unwrapped gift to Little Tommy marked from Santa. His control over American pop culture is astounding. We thought that the Christ family would be upset by the loss of 'financial security caused by Santa newfound dominance over the winter holiday season, and the obvious loss of fame. Indeed, we were surprised that the Christ family had not commented publicly about their loss of prestige in worldwide popular culture. We even tried setting up an interview with a member of the Christ family. Jesus could not be reached for comment. Indeed his control reaches into the World Wide culture as well. While he may be known as Santa Claus, it is rumored that Jolly Old Saint Nicholas, and Father Christmas are both the same people as Santa Claus. This shows that Santa is more powerful than Hitler was. He started in Eastern Europe (well not really) and has now taken over America quite decisively. Is this the kind of person we want our kids to look for during the winter Holiday season? Santa Claus’ effects have even infiltrated the very fabric of our language. Remember all the English language classes you have taken? Remember all the talk about prepositional phrases? Remember that a Prepositional phrase can be a conjunction if it is followed by . . . A CLAUSE? What I want to know is whom he paid to get this in here. His obvious power over us, over the very nature of our language, is truly frightening. He could truly be the most powerful man in the world. Here is some more food for thought. Has Santa Claus ever actually bought any child presents? Parents buy children presents, and say they are from Santa, but do you know of any substantiated rumor that Santa Claus has ever actually bought any child a present? How about all those movies made about Santa Claus? It just shows you how much money such an elusive man has, that he can convince Hollywood’s sex-hungry, egomaniac producers to produce film after high budget film about this man. Also, look at the number of books written about Santa Claus. Our own Author Emeritus of Children’s literature, the late Dr. Seuss, mentioned Santa in his holiday classic How the Grinch Stole Christmas. This man must be stopped, but how? Has anyone ever met Santa Claus? It is rumored that he lives in at the North Pole. Only Finland has an official Santa Claus mailing address that this reporter knows us, and yet no one at that official North Pole post office has ever met the real Santa Claus. Letters to Santa overfill Post Offices world wide every year. One Postal Worker had this to say about the Santa overkill; "I wish the man would register a real address with the post office. Sure we make a lot of money off all these stamps, but we would make more off the junk mail he would get if he would just register with us." Indeed, Santa Claus is even more reclusive than the infamous Howard Hughes. It is obvious to this reporter at least, that Santa Clause is both richer, and more powerful with that man. He is so well hidden in fact, that we have not even heard any strange sex scandals about him. Santa appears to be as reclusive as God. We tried to interview God about the similarities between Santa and him. We thought he might have some fatherly injustice to share about the slacking off of his sons popularity. God could not be reached for comment. I personally would like to meet this Santa Claus. This ever-so-corrupt icon of world wide pop-culture who has yet to show his face to his beloved supporters. If he ever runs for President, I won’t vote for him.