===================================== = A Cynic's Guide to Computer Terms = ===================================== It has become standard procedure to enter the computing world with a fresh attitude and, over time, develop a rather realistic and cynical attitude about computers. In a public service from some folk who have been through hell and lived to tell, we wish to aid your knowledge and speed your descent into the disgust we call computing. General knowledge ----------------- ADLIB: A means of putting the sound capabilities of an IBM compatable on par with those of a Commodore. ALT: The key used for accessing characters you don't really need and using functions you can't get on primitive computers. ANSI: Artistic Nature Seems Inherent; the ability to see colors and some typographical characters, usually unused except to make impressive menus to annoy other sysops and users without ANSI capability. ANSI CHARACTER: What one becomes when word gets out that one is running a pirate BBS. BACKSPACE: The first key to show wear. BAUD: How slow a modem goes. One of life's peculiarities is that the smaller the number, the faster the transmission -- 19.2 is faster than 300. The common rate is 2400, which is roughly 1k=1 minute on the noiser telephone interchanges. BBS: Basically BS -- what many users post on boards. BINARY: 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 BOOT: To start the computer, as well as what you give the thing when it won't start. BULLETIN BOARD SYSTEM: High tech graffiti walls. Some systems are very much comparable to lavatories indeed. CHIP: What Apple users carry on their shoulders from their mother company's making them orphans. Also what drives the computer, a modern form of vacuum tube which is far less durable when handled. CMOS: Computer Must Obliterate Sanity; an elegant way of dumping your computer's setup information. CONTRIBUTION: To a programmer or sysop, money. To the average user, files. Nothing seems to break this language barrier. COPY PROTECTION: An in-joke among computer users; an additional game found on some commercial disks similar to "Breakout." COPYRIGHT: To duplicate a disk without errors. Any other interpretation is simply inaccurate in the computer field. CRASH: Temporary setback for sysops or the end of the world for BBS users, depending upon one's viewpoint. On a personal computer, the hardware is playing hard-to-get or other similar games. CPU: Computer Punishes User -- the heart of the machine which, with the advent of faster chips, can be torn out. Try THAT with your average user some time and see if it's as easy as it is enjoyable. CTRL: You think you can control your computer with this? HA! CURSOR: What one becomes after logging onto BBS's with abrasive users or after playing certain games without success. DISK DRIVE: Where to stick it. There are hard disks (lots of garbage can be stored), floppy disks (information can be lost in chunks of 360K through 1.44MB), optical disks (the true definition of WYSIWYG), and CDROMs (a fancy term for "CD player with no stereo attached"). DOCS: Document files, often ignored albeit integral in the operation of many programs. The only reason some people own printers. DOS: Doesn't Operate Steadily. A vast chasm where programs are lost. EOF: End Of Fantasy; marker at the end of docs to tell you when to stop reading. Generally unnoticed by computer users because they hit CNTL-C midway through the file, after the thing they wanted to see scrolled off of the screen. ERROR CORRECTING MODEM: Misnomer because it doesn't fix any program bugs, typos in text, or other "undocumented features." ESC: Inaccurate name for the key in the top left corner of the keyboard. You will never "escape" by using it since there is NO escape. F1: Where Microsoft hides all the stuff you should have seen in the docs, which you didn't read in the first place. FREEWARE: What everything should be. FRIED: Vernacular for toasted or fritzed, as applied to original disks and/or hardware you had to pay for. Also used to describe some users' brains after hours of TradeWars or Operation Overkill. FUNCTION KEYS: Often dysfunctional. Computer programmers use these keys to keep tiny hands from having to type commands. GRAPHICS: Pictures that aren't pornographic. Rare on some systems. HACK: Liberate oppressed programs, or at least pretend to do so. HACKER: What your enemies call you, but you call them names as well, and their name for you is much more charitable than yours for them. Not a bad person at all if he's a true-blue friend of yours. HARDWARE: Popularly thought to be the silicon and plastic portion of our lives, many BBSrs refer to their floppy disks as this. HEX: What programmers put on software; also, 68 65 78 JOYSTICK: Often thought to be a peripheral for playing games or pointing, it is really a reference to some users' private parts. LIGHT PEN: The pointing device everyone wants but no one has; also, the device used to write down what the printer missed -- it comes in many colors and is easily lost when demand for it arises. MATH COPROCESSOR: The alternative to buying a faster CPU chip when generating fractals; otherwise, another part of the computer often bragged about but seldom used. MICROCHIP: The stuff in the bottom of the snack-food bag. MODEM: The root of all evil. MONITOR: (1) To watch a BBS user closely to see if he is using a fake or "borrowed" access name; also, the device used for this purpose. (2) To watch a computer user closely to see if he is using "borrowed" copyrighted software or unregistered shareware; also, the device used by the culprits. (3) A glorified television. MOUSE: A cat-toy which brinks on the cheesy. MOUSE-DRIVEN: Runs at the speed of a hamster on an exercise wheel. MOUSEPAD: Where the R.A.T.s hang out. Also, where you can stick that damn mouse, though it will never stay there when in use. NETWORK: Spreading the BS (in "BBS") around to people who do not know more about you than your handle in just one call, as opposed to the traditional method of having to call more than one system to annoy everyone who doesn't know who you are. Also, a means of having one computer get screwed up by many remote keyboards. OPTIMIZE: Originally meant to remove unused spaces from the hard drive, it now means to put your computer on the unusable list for at least half an hour, thereby optimizing your ability to do other things around the house, such as paint the exterior. PIRATE: What your enemies call your best friend. That is why he is your best friend! PRINTER: A device used by computer folk to record things they will soon forget or discard. PROMPT: That annoying flashing thing marking where you may type. If you lose it, that can be even more annoying. RAM: Rarely Accessable Memory; the memory which you put programs into with the hopes of getting something tangible back. ROM: Running Outta Memory; the memory which the computer selfishly keeps for itself so that it will always know that it is superior to you. SCANNER: A device used to make pictures look worse than if you were to attempt to draw them freehand. SHAREWARE: What we do with our files anyway. SHELL: A way to get to DOS when you really shouldn't be there. Also, what some computer users seem to be hiding in. SOFTWARE: Pablum for our little babies. SOUNDBLASTER: An extremely expensive way to boost an IBM compatable's sound capabilities above that of an Atari, akin to putting Bose speakers on an RCA Victrola. TRACKBALL: A heavier, harder type of tetherball. VAPORWARE: The version or update we wait for to correct the bugs we cannot get past. See also BLANK DISK. VIRUS: The computer world's version of natural selection. What smart people write when a K still exists on an enemy's disk that they would like to fill. VIRUSWARE: What we give to our enemies as an olive branch, anonymously. WYSIWYG: (whizzy-wag) "what you see is what you get," which it never is. Names to remember ----------------- BUSHNELL: Creator of Heaven and Earth, Atmosphere and Atari. Like many other ancient deities, mostly forgotten by today's faithful. GATES: Self-proclaimed demigod of the computing pantheon and instigator of the Windows farce. Boy genius gone corporate, living proof that pirates can get rich and be called heroes. JOBS: The NeXT deity, whose latest creation may be a "second coming." Patron saint of Apple users of both sects (// and Mac); also responsible for making "Wozniak" a household word. KATZ: Patron saint of file compression. Often challenged but never defeated, he seeks the perfect algorithm and will stop at nothing to find it so that he may share it with we mortals free of charge. McAFFEE: Patron saint of paranoid computer users. Those who do not pay homage to this demigod sometimes get struck by lightning. NORTON: Patron saint of oddly-named utility programs. The driving force behind the "read the damn doc files" movement. SCULLEY: The angel Lucifer's corporate cousin and Pepsi drinker. Monitor types ------------- MONOCHROME: Couldn't afford color. MGA: Massive Garbage Attenuator. A nice way of saying monochrome. CGA: Crummy Graphics Always. Monochrome times four. MCGA: Many Colors Get Assassinated. Should have been a VGA. EGA: Extinct Graphics Adaptor. Intended to be the industry's standard, it is now the industry's joke. A white elephant in 16 colors. VGA: Visually Glorified & Accentuated. The poor man's movie screen. SVGA: Super View of Girls' Asses: What connoisseurs use to view .GIFS. XGA: Graphics Adaptor for the true X-rated pix. Comparable to HDTV with a laserdisk of "Debby Does Cupertino." BBS terms --------- ANONYMOUS: The most frequent poster of messages on some boards. BOARD HOG: Someone with more online time than you, who uses it. CHAT: (n) The mark of a good BBS. (v) Discuss things online that you would not talk about in person because they are so inane. COMMENT: Tell the sysop off, tattle on another user, or inform the sysop that the game YOU wish to play isn't working right. COMPUSERVE: The best source of current news and clean GIF files. CONFERENCE: A place to post nonsense. No one who agrees with you will post there as well, yet those in disagreement will spout off their maligned opinions incessantly. COSYSOP: A friend of the sysop whose knowledge of computing is either far below that of the sysop (expect system quirks), or is far above and thus he is the one who does all the serious work. DOOR GAME: Similar to a door prize, though less rewarding. DOWN: Term for a BBS which is not running, usually due to the selfish nature of sysops who unscrupulously use their computers for things other than a BBS once in awhile. DOWNLOAD: Ingesting files; feeding your computer. DTJBBS: Does The Job BBS (really!) -- that which makes a Commodore worth owning, almost. The only BBS program endorsed by and used by the author's mother. FILES: The standard medium of exchange, much like cookies or candy bars. G-PHILES: Text more interesting than a sysop could write alone. This masterpiece which you now are reading is a prime example. GALACTICOMM: Astronomically nice BBS program if there are more than 2 nodes, and just another planet if there aren't. GEnie: Once thought to be magical, now not thought of much at all. HANDLE: A method of removing your own identity from public messages and other system activity, so that you personally will not be held responsible for whatever happens. Often used by people who say nothing worth hearing and prefer to attack others, or by people who listen to too much heavy-metal music. These vary from the sedate (the person's real name) to the outrageous (somebody else's real name). LINE NOISE: The best excuse some people can come up with for the fact that they can't spell or otherwise have garbage in their messages. What most of your phone bill pays for. LOGOFF: An alternative to getting ejected from a system due to running out of online time or repeated infractions of the rules. LOGON: To make yourself eligible to receive criticism from a sysop. MENUS: The doc files of BBSs, also unused by those who need them most. MODS: Modifications on a BBS program which often make the new product far superior to the original jumbled code; few people can write them but those who can become immortal at some level. NODE: Phone line to a computer, usually spoken of in the plural for a BBS's ability to handle more than one caller and thus CHAT (which See, both definitions). The more, the merrier. NYM: A really good handle, acclaimed for its originality. ONLINE: Computerese for "The damn board finally answered!" PAGE: Beep the speaker at the sysop to see if he's at home. The precursor to logoff. PASSWORD: Three to eight characters used to "prove" that you are a different user as you try to impersonate him/her. PCBOARD: Misquote of "PC bored," describing either the computer the BBS program runs on or the users who try to figure out the commands. PRODIGY: Actually an illigitimate son. Sears found a way to get money off something normally considered free: conversation. RBBS: Ridiculous BBS. So convoluted a BBS system that those who master the program's setup or write mods often go on permanent ego trips. SUBCONFERENCE: Below a conference. Often used to speak of message areas which have become chaotic or base. SYSOP: The person in whose hands you place your life. The provider of both viruses and virus scanners. In some areas, any person who owns a computer, modem, and hard drive and has found some smart person who has figured out how to configure a BBS program in a manner which allows others to call his/her computer (now called a "system" once the program is installed). Self-made gods. TRADEWARS 2002: Some people's only reason to own a modem or call BBSs or, so it seems to a few sysops, live and breathe. UPLOAD: Taking out the garbage as a means of getting more online time. WWIV: What Works I'll Vouch-by. The BBS program equivalent to the chicken pox in that most people get it when they're young. CPU chip type ------------- 8086: Chips for dips. 286: What your 386 becomes when it runs Windows. 386: Computerese for "still not fast enough!" Your computer on drugs. 486: A CPU chip designed to make the average game unplayable due to the excessive speed, though for some poorly-written programs it is a godsend -- Windows actually becomes usable on a 486. 586: The new messiah, which we bow and pray to/for nightly. Programs & Commands ------------------- AUTOEXEC.BAT: The first thing the computer tries to read after making sure that it cannot read your boot disk. BASIC: (1) Beginners Are Stuck In Computing; the language first taught to computer novices despite its near-uselessness. (2) Beginners All Purpose Self-Imploding Code. CD\ : Get to the root of the problem. CHKDSK: Check to see if the disk is still there; most often used on the fixed disk, which seems kind of silly. Sometimes used with the switch "/F" which will f*** your disk up for you. COMMAND.COM: The vital-yet-deletable portion of the system, as many users soon discover accidentally (or intentionally). CONFIG.SYS: Hieroglyphics that only your computer can understand but you yourself must write. COPY: Create or destroy, depending upon skill and luck. Also, a pirate's most summoned friend; the social implications are staggering since the goal is to introduce a file to a disk it has never met before. COPY CON: Telling the computer, "Assume that I can type without making typos." The chief cause of .BAT files and .BAT file errors. CSHOW.EXE: The popular name for file SEEPORN.EXE. DAZZLE.EXE: Justification for buying a VGA (or higher) monitor if you don't believe in displaying porno GIFs to the neighbors. What sells the most computers when used as an in-store demo, and what the computer runs most often once home. DEL *.* : The most common way to delete one file out of a directory. DIR: Doesn't It Read? -- the easiest way to check to see if your DOS is still intact after a critical error. EDLIN: The computer world's version of mud-and-stylus writing. FILEMAN.EXE: Windows file name, thought to stand for File Manager; it actually stands for File Mangler. FORMAT: The easiest way to keep copyrighted software out of other users hands; also, the easiest command to type unintentionally. GRASP: What you want to do to the models in this "movie" format. MD: Create a new place to lose files. MIRROR: A means of using hard disk space you would otherwise not ever have access to, the bit right at the end. MORE: A word added after the filename the second time you use the TYPE command, used with a pipe ("|") to reinforce its meaning. NOUVELL: Networking system used by computer techs who wish to stay employed, due to its frequent crash rate. OS/2: Oh S***, Squared. The industry's further attempts to turn a PC into a Macintosh in every possible way and then some. PCTOOLS: Similar to a chainsaw; in the wrong hands the package is a dangerous device -- in the right hands, it is also a dangerous device of which some practical use may be extracted. POSTSCRIPT: A system whereby an ordinary laserprinter becomes a printing press. Like the SoundBlaster, often found in homes where there is no real need or use for such equipment, or no talent to use such equipment to its fullest capabilities. PRINTSHOP: A program used to waste paper in massive quantities. PROCOMM: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Like Qmodem (in far too many ways), it allows one to be social and antisocial at the same time. Any other programs are inferior. QMODEM: An addictive piece of software used to communicate with others while never leaving your house. A Catch-22 of sorts. The major difference between Qmodem and ProComm is that you can get this program free of charge, which is a really big plus. RD: A command often used to find out if a directory is empty yet. SCAN: Looking over one's shoulder to see if one's hacking has been discovered; also, looking over one's files to see if another hacker has been discovered. SPINRITE: A program that will vacuum the rug without asking you to lift your feet, and tells you exactly what's wrong with your computer except for the part about the nut behind the keyboard. THEDRAW: A form of color Etch-A-Sketch, which allows even the most inept artist to think himself a Van Gogh. TREE: Something shaken to see what files will fall out. TYPE: DOS function to read docs. Used only in emergencies. WINDOWS: A system designed to slow down fast CPUs and eliminate all that nasty disk space you'd been ignoring. WORDPERFECT: Omnipotent program from the land of the Mormons. Knowing how to hit the F3 key is very very important. WORDSTAR: A complicated method of avoiding writing your letters in EDLIN. File types ---------- .ARC: What the .ZOO animals travelled in; also, an ancient archiver. .ARJ: One letter different than .ARC, which should tell you something. .BAT: What you wish to take to your computer after receiving error messages for the umpteenth time. Extention stands for "battered files" and are text files which actually DO something productive. .COM: Compost -- a.k.a. fecal matter. .EXE: Executable, sometimes. "Executable" often means you can kill it, or will want to if you can't. .FLI: From Little Imagination -- a "movie" system devoid of skin, thus not worth looking into or at. .GIF: Gee, It's Free -- the easiest, cheapest method for the distribution of pornography. .GL: Geez, Louise! See GRASP (and watch it and watch it...) .INI: The file which is causing all the problems with your Windows programs; conversely, what is causing all your Windows programs to function in the first place. .LZH: Proof that the Japanese still make smaller, better products than the U.S. Compression utility used by smart-alecks. .PAK: Outdated yet very efficient archiving method, e pluribus unum. .SDA: Self-Destructing Archive, used by Commode Odor machines. See .COM .TXT: Terrible eXchange of Things -- the simplest form of file creation, so simple that even imbeciles can use it. (See R.A.T. for proof) .WAV: Sound files used as justification to (1) buy a sound card and (2) use Windows 3.1 -- similar to buying a couple elephants simply because you have hay growing in your backyard for them to eat. .ZIP: Common extension used to separate the computer literate from the computer illiterate. A 21st century version of .ARC. .ZOO: A place to find animals; also, a bestial archiver. +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | R.A.T. is a loosely-organized collaboration of hackers who have set | | out to make the world a better place to live in by observing the | | human element and laughing aloud at it, then encouraging others to | | do the same. This phile was written by R.A.T. #2 (The Mushroom) and | | fondled in places by R.A.T. #1 (Chrome). You may distribute this | | freely (as you do everything else) but PLEASE don't remove this here | | credit bar, we beg of you. (This is our Warholian 15 minutes.) The | | next R.A.T. dropping is coming to a system near you... << m3 >> | +----------------------------------------------------------------------+