Subj : COMPREL.TXT - Cynic's Guide to Computer Relationships Name : R.A.T.s, Ink. #69 @5900 Date : Sun Feb 20 15:03:56 1994 +-----------------------------------------+ | CYNIC'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER RELATIONSHIPS | +-----------------------------------------+ It's far too easy to get cynical about finding a date via BBS's, if you have ever tried out the "MatchMaker" online programs available on many boards ("gee, I have a 71% compatability with someone 15 years older than myself and who is already involved with someone of their own gender") and moreso by trying to make points via Chat or e-mail ("has he/she ever heard of punctu- ation?"). Sure, the talk shows are full of people who met their dream date on Prodigy -- talk about love over gold! -- and married hours after they finally met. But who believes what they see on talk shows? But yes, it is possible to meet that special someone online. R.A.T. has witnessed some matches made in heaven (usually made before the happy couple got into computers), some straight from Hades, and others still that derive directly from the groin. We could use more of the lattermost. From our extended experience of watching the fray from the sidelines and occasionally jumping in ourselves, we prepare this handy guide to the types of people you will find online when Cupid fires at your keyboard. Consider yourself warned should you find yourself being paged/e-mailed by these sorts, and bear in mind the advice given -- the heart you save may be your own! * ANAL SPHINCTERS -- easily detected and hard to ignore, this is either a JERK who doesn't have a posse and flames on things s/he knows nothing whatsoever about, or a regular user that actually has an IQ but loves to stir up controversy so there will be conversations online. It's hard to distinguish the "good" ones from the "bad" ones sometimes. Best policy is to play it safe and ignore them until you know which they are. * BOARDHOGS -- they're enjoyable to talk to and they honestly are good folks, but for some reason they weigh at least twice as much as you. You may be surprised. What you do next is a matter of personal taste -- as with everyone, you really shouldn't judge people by looks alone. * BRASS IN POCKET -- someone who sounds hot-to-trot online, but over the modem you can't see their wedding band. At least in bars you can see the untanned 1/4" strip on the base of their left ring finger... Since very few of these evolved STUDS and VANESSAS only fish in one body of water, you can ask around for "references" if they don't sound right. * COMPU-HO'S -- more blatant than STUDS and VANESSAS, sometimes BRASS or SWINGERS, and usually either JAILBAIT or BOARDHOGS (or both!), these are the fine folks who make the crotch-based fantasies come true. A hard temptation to resist if you're to the point of looking on BBS's for company, because unlike the CYBERVOYEUR these people do reply in like kind and will do the things they've discussed, or have done them. Keep in mind when leaning toward these people that 1) love has nothing to do with it, 2) you aren't the only one who will have been there, and 3) not all of these people keep their mouths closed after you've been there. * COMPUTER NERDS -- these are the real catches; not best known for their social lives, they tend to be free of social diseases and have hearts of gold. The drawbacks, however, include odd active/sleep hours, minimum wage jobs, possible "clinginess" since you may be the only person of the opposite gender to show him/her any attention, poor diet, and spending more time with the computer than with you. Weigh the pros and cons for yourself, and be fair -- aren't YOU one too? * CYBERVOYEUR -- a person to whom fantasies or other wild thoughts are described, always making it sound like s/he is going to return the sentiment but never does, or does in much more tame words. For some it is a mere thrill; for others, it is a source of amusing captured text to post on other boards the fantasies' writer doesn't call. * F-D's -- Little Running Gag. 'Nuff said. * GAMERS -- those who log onto BBS's solely for the games and treat the MatchMaker door as such. Often GEEKS as well, though usually NERDS. Silly, but annoying. Ignore due to their lack of lives. * GEEKS -- mistaken for NERDS, these people are the ones you think of when it comes to the stereotype. Again, usually free of diseases (aside from greasy skin and cooties) and will take any attention you can give. You also must deal with thick glasses, weird laughter, bad breath, and skin in need of a day at the beach. R.A.T. reminds you that though this type can be kinda icky, they sometimes are very rich (see: Bill Gates). * JAILBAIT -- a really nice and pleasant person who was born too late. At least they're usually honest about it. Either keep your thoughts pure, your hands to yourself, or your calendars after they've turned 18 open. * JERKS -- usually not on the make, often downright antisocial. If you're attracted to flaming egos, they're for you. Be aware that they travel in packs because they're so caustic they have to bring their own friends in order to get replies which agree with them. The problem is its own solution, so chances are you'll never be hit up upon by one -- and if one does take a shine to you, you will have become so offended by their attitudes that you can tell them to buzz off without a shred of guilt. * JOKERS -- this classification is meant to denote the people whose only means of communication and only text is wit, and not GEEKS or NERDS or others who are humorous yet have other things to say as well. They're funny for awhile and sometimes get admirers, but if you pay attention long enough you find out their reservoir of material is limited. Do yourself a favor and make sure your chosen clown is a NERD. * LEFT MARGINAL -- very nice people indeed, and have the most interesting bios and posts. You must then decide just how much you like hairy pits on women or Deadhead tie-dies on men, coffee by the gallon with lots of non-dairy creamer at the local all-night diner, dubious hygiene hidden under strong patchouli, atheism or magick, not-always-very-choosy use of their bisexuality, and political or social organizations with agendas. * LONG DISTANCE -- any of the other categories, preferably those like STUDS or COMPU-HO'S, with the added twist that the network you two met on is really vast, so the chances of you two meeting on the street is nil. Can you handle a long distance affair? Do you have Frequent Flyer miles to spare -- or would you like to earn some? What if they're BRASS? * NUTS -- into each life, a raving lunatic must roam. They come in many of the above forms, with the added element of being out of their little minds at least part of the time. Oddly enough, to the masses these folk are anywhere from chatty to antisocial, but to the "target" this person is fun for the first couple weeks and scary for the rest of your life. Once again, you might be able to get background info from others before you find yourself needing to get your phone number changed repeatedly. * STUDS -- when asked will tell you his/her measurements, or imply that they are incredible. Remember that the person takes using a computer seriously, and envision what the average BBS'r looks like. Pop! * SWINGERS -- different from BRASS because these people don't hide their rings, online or in person. Sometimes their mate gets in on the act, too, or is doing his/her own trolling. This can make for some interest- ing conversations or coffee breaks. Many of these aren't the liberated minds, though, but are people who are trying to get a little on the side without their spouse's knowledge. Get the facts straight before diving in on this one, lest you find an armed spouse barging into the room... * SWITCH HITTERS -- once in a great while someone of the same gender will decide that you're his or her type. This is great if you're gay, right flattering or kinda spooky if you're gay-friendly, and can be extremely unnnerving if you are more than slightly homophobic. Don't toy with people who've misintepreted your signals; set the record, er, straight. * TOYS B WE KIDZ -- it doesn't take long to figure out this big-talking STUD-wannabee is 14 years old. Expect a lot of "hacker" slang and a bit of unlikely bragging. Enough said. Unless you're 14 as well and have a high tolerance for steer fertilizer, you'll get nauseous. The only plus to this person is that s/he has a better computer than you. * VANESSA -- there are women (and men) that talk dirty, some of whom really do mean it but most are just playing the game. Best advice is to never take it seriously, and play along if you're so inclined. Be warned that the handful that are being serious might not look the way you thought. There are no hard and fast rules to finding friends or lovers online. One bit of advice, no matter where you look for love: if you're serious about computing (as you might be, since you're reading this txtphile), make sure that your honey likes or understands or at the very least tolerates computers. A compu-phobe who hates your silicon "other woman/man" could cause you some expense when you have to replace your CPU and/or monitor after your human lover has taken a sledgehammer to his/her competition. Should you go through the procedures used to gain any of the above information, you will understand why R.A.T. is so cynical about computer relationships! +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | R.A.T. is a loosely-organized collaboration of hackers who laugh at | | the world's stupidity, then get others into the act. Inspiration for | | this article is still pending. This phile was written by R.A.T. #2 | | (Mushroom) and swung overhead like a dead cat by R.A.T. #1 (Chrome) | | for a couple weeks. Feel free to share this file, as you do every- | | thing else, but leave this credit bar intact. (This is our Warholian | | 15 minutes.) If ya want quality, read R.A.T.'s DEFINE.TXT and/or | | WINDOZE.TXT, available (hopefully) where you found this phile... | +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+