Phile : BEGINGID.txt Nym : Mushroom #3 @5900 Posted : Tue Jun 01 20:01:50 1993 Edited : Whenever the hell, sometime after the above signature... +---------------------------------------------------+ | The Cynic's Guide to Getting Started in Computing | +---------------------------------------------------+ At some time or another, you or someone you know decided to get into computers. It all sounded so easy after reading the ads in the Radio Shack junkmail, or after seeing the TV ads for Quicken which made no mention of needing Windows 3.1 and a 486 to actually use the program. But then you and/or yours looked around CyberSales and promptly had a brain implosion from seeing the enormous variety of computers, software packages, peripherals, and sales pitches. You thought it was so easy... We'll let you in on a secret. IT ISN'T. Oh sure, once you get what you need and find someplace that offers it at a reasonable cost, it's cake. But for the novice who doesn't know better when a salesperson tells him or her that he or she absolutely must buy an EGA monitor, a leg-up would be nice. The people to consult are the experienced, who by the very nature of prolonged computing have become wary skeptics of everything and everyone. The two authors of this phile have been there, done that, lived to tell and wish to share; heed our words and you may avoid tragedy for a little while. PICKING A COMPUTER: What are you going to use this baby for? This is the real deciding factor when it comes to buying a machine, since the good ones cost a lot of money and the ones suitable for what most people use theirs for are found in thrift shops for under $30. This is no joke; 90% of people who didn't get into computers before age 30 now possess $5000 paperweights which they really don't know how to use. (One of the authors had a roommate who would scoot his 386 aside to make room for his typewriter when he wanted to write letters.) Here are some expectations and their machines: * If you're gonna be playing Commander Keen, get a Pentium/66, XGA, 32M, 20Meg HD -- those graphics just need SO much processor power! * If you're gonna be doing AutoCAD, get a PC/4.79, 512k, 5Meg HD, and the best coprocessor available. It's only math, and that's what computers do best, right? * If you're gonna be publishing exclusively, ignore all the hype, avoid the PC's, and get yourself a Macintosh. See, it can be simple! * If you're gonna just show it off to people without running anything more complex than Dazzle, get a 286 with a clean tower case, VGA, 10Meg HD, and a keyboard that has the indicator lights and LCD calculator onboard; borrow a label-printer and make a sticker that says "586/80," then put it on the left-top corner of the case (over the old label). If real computer people happen along, tell them you had a viral infection which distorted the CMOS settings, you haven't had time to fix it since you disinfected it, and Dazzle is the only thing that works properly at the moment. * If you're gonna play games, pick a CPU speed that meets your skill level. You're not going to want to play a Centipede-type game at more than 15 mHz, and you'll go mad waiting if you play games which redraw the screen rapidly at anything less. To save even more money, use this same method to decide if you'd be better off with a Super NES from Costco, or a used Atari 2600 and a good joystick (the stock stick is a joke) from Goodwill. THE MODEM: Again, use is the deciding factor, and Ray Parker, Jr. phrased it best: "Who ya gonna call?" If you're stuck in Podunk where all the file/message boards have OffBrand 2400 baud modems and the phone lines are comparable to wet kite-string, stick to the 300 baud acoustic you saw for $2 in the surplus shop -- otherwise, your best bet is to go all out (Chrome's advice): "Get a 28.8k Dual [triple?] Standard. The performance specs promise 155Kb effective xfer rate after compression (LapLink over phone lines!) but salespeople really just want to charge you absurd amounts of $$$ for a modem that's faster than the phone lines can keep up with, and really just mess you up with something insanely complicated to set up, so that you have to have the guys in the store take your computer away for a few days to a week to install it for you, then set up the init strings (another few days to week, or two weeks if you plan to run a BBS with it)..." Like we said before, experience makes one cynical. Since most average BBS's have 2400 bps or 19.2 Kbps, you don't need anything fancy. If you plan to do fax transmissions, your best bet is to buy a fax machine, period. If your children or your friends are the ones who will be using the modem and they call chat boards, surprise them with a non-Hayes compatable 1200 bps. PICK THE PRINTER: If you just need something print documentation on, as if you will ever read it, then get an old MPS-800 or MPS-1200 series with a CBM serial converter so you can do like all the Commodore users and soak the ribbon in WD-40 to get more mileage out of it. This printer will serve the average person's needs, if any exist. In the event that the printer doesn't take orders from the computer no matter what you do, pull out the manual, point to the line which says "Epson compatable" or "emulates IBM ProPrinter," and show this to the printer. If that fails, look for 0.5 amp fuses. Those who plan to do a lot of printing or do quality work should con- sider buying a laser printer. Choose a type that your computer's Owner's Manual or a friend in the know suggests, or else it could be impossible to set up, and you'll only get Helvatica 102pt, italicized, inversed and bubbled because you forgot to chant "Bill Gates Is God" over and over before installation. (This may also hold true for the modem.) Buy a PostScript package only if you're trying to impress someone important. THE SOFTWARE SHUFFLE: Shareware. And lots of it. When you need something better, go in search of more adequate programs by getting "demo copies" of programs from friends to see what you are most comfortable using. Judge for yourself! Do not be swayed by advertisements or salespersons who make commissions. Friends or fellow BBS'rs will be willing to, free of charge, tell you if you should buy WordStar or mud tablets, RBase or FoxBase, Windows or a Mac, Stacker or just a larger HD; they will also tell you what's wrong with the newest version of DOS and why your programs won't work with older versions. GUARD AGAINST VIRUSES: This is simple: don't use your computer, or make sure your machine is an Apple //e. The primary cause of viral infections is calling boards run by people with names taken from speed-metal groups. Don't allow people who have access to the mythical Deviants D/L directory on certain boards to get anywhere near your computer. And if all else fails, pray to McAffee. ME, READ THE MANUALS?: Go ahead, ignore them. They aren't written in English, they're written in "Techno-Geek-Speak," a language entirely made up by techies who live only for the sake of creating the hardware and software that daily screws others lives; a highly trained computer dealer speaks it fluently and a compu-nerd is semi-proficient. The average (l)user will never understand it, and we hackers are just barely ahead of the techs. Also, RTFM [Read The F*****g Manual] is just another way of saying "I don't know either, and don't give a dang if you ever figure it out anyway." The actual reason for getting manuals is so you can prove you paid for the program, and occasionally so you can find the service phone-# easily. PERIPHERALS: Purchase? Nahh. We re-habilitate stuff off of others' scrap heaps. This old CD player is now a floptical drive. You should be able to find someone who has parts to spare, especially sound cards. In this fast-paced world of graphic user interfaces, you will need a mouse. Choose one that comes with driver software or you're sunk. That they don't tell you up front as you are handed, by its "tail," a CyberRodent 9600-R that the dude says is Microsoft compat, and thus needs nothing more. A scanner puts a random blotch of dots on your screen; some images look like identifiable items or text, while most are Rohrshach tests that brink on the Freudian (after all, it was a Hustler you were scanning!). There are two kinds -- hand scanners used to map your palms onto half the screen, and page scanners which are a form of color fax machine. You don't need one -- save your money for long-distance calls to boards with good GIF files. If you play games, get a joystick unless you're good with the number pad. If you live to impress others, also invest in a light pen, a trackball, a rewired Nintendo "bazooka," and a touch-sensitive screen. Be the first one on your block to use a Power Glove instead of a mouse to point in Windows! There are a plethora of other external doodads you can tack onto your machine, most notably the CD-ROM which comes with online encyclopedia and works of Shakespeare disks bundled ("hello, I'd like to order PornoFlix Disks 1 through 3...") and tape drives for those thousands who don't keep backups (or miss having Apple II+ or VIC-20 software). PROFESSIONAL TRAINING: The classes at the local vocational school or college are interesting, mainly to watch the people who need more out of it than this scrap of paper that says they've taken this course. (Never mind the software and GIF swapping, and Scorched Earth or Commander Keen going on in the background while the teach is lecturing.) You learn more from talking with students in this unstructured time. We've also discovered that some teachers don't know how to turn on the computer or install their specialty of software, but once they're provided with a working computer/environment, they teach adequately. Businesses offer computer help courses such as "How To Create A Word Perfect Document" as well; to locate them, search for advertisements (which are targetted toward people who don't use any other software than what the dealer put on their machines and don't have or use a modem) next to articles warning of an upcoming viral outbreak. And then there are self-help books, not counting the documentation. BUYING DISKS AND DRIVES: Hard drives -- the bigger the better, especially if you intend to keep up with the booming multi-tasker market. Rumor has it that future versions of Windows and OS/2 will run a CHKDSK on installation, and if the total drive capacity is less than 80 meg, it will abort and flash an advertisement for various brands of 120+ meg HDs. Floppy media -- buy the highest density drive on the market, and re- member: 3.5" disks, one hole means 720K, 2 means 1.44M, "Enhanced Density" written on it means its a 2.88M, while "Floptical" written on it means 21M and "Chrome" written on it means 1.45M. The 5.25" disks, no center hub means 1.2M, a center hub means it's 360k, and a Tandy disk label means throw it out. 8" disks mean that you really need a new disk drive. TROUBLESHOOTING: Both of the authors of this piece do freelance tech support, and if there's a buck in it for us we'll GLADLY get up in the middle of the night to help some clod who can't get his computer going because he kicked the plug out of the wall accidentally. But this gets pretty rediculous after awhile, so here are a few tips for the beginner; the experienced reader of this will chuckle as a blush crosses his or her face, having been guilty more than once of a few of these: * Printer's not working? Check the cable connection, and plug it in. * Computer won't boot? If you boot from the hard drive, you'd better see if COMMAND.COM has been deleted. Take a boot disk and plug it in. * Keep getting drive errors? No matter if it's the floppy drive or the hard drive that is returning errors, your software sucks. The drive card or cable may also be loose so plug it in. * OUT OF MEMORY errors? Get a few more K of RAM and plug it in. * VOLUME FULL errors? If it's on the hard drive, delete Windows. If it's on a floppy drive, find a formatted disk and plug it in. * Keyboard error? This is a simple one. Plug it in. * Modem's not responding? Check your init string, your term program's setup for what port it is "talking" to, the cables, and plug it in. * Mouse isn't moving across the screen? Check MOUSE.SYS, and plug it in. * Getting a lot of bills in the mail? Cancel your subscription to Prodigy. A final word to the new as well as the experienced user: most software companies will ask for your registration number if you call their help line to ask about getting a new owner's manual if you "lost" yours. It's a common mistake, about as common as forgetting to take one disk out of the drive before inserting another, and is easily solved by visiting the bookstore or a good photocopier with someone else's docs. So to those just getting started in the wonderful world of computing: Welcome aboard, and if in three months you grow tired of your new toy, do let the BBS community know because someone's always in need of spare parts. +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | R.A.T. is a loosely-organized collaboration of hackers who laugh at | | the world's stupidity, then get others into the act. Inspiration for | | this was in part from S. & C. Dunn, 4/93 _Puget Sound Computer User_; | | many thanks! This phile was written by R.A.T. #1 (Chrome) and R.A.T. | | #2 (The Mushroom) in tandem succession. We encourage you to share | | this with others and post it around but PLEASE don't remove this here | | credit bar, we beg of you. (This is our Warholian 15 minutes.) The | | next R.A.T. dropping is coming to a system near you... << m3 >> | +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+